Bellymar Moreno and Irene Negri (Psychologists) – It has happened that, despite having an orgasm during the sexual encounter, a part of you remains unsatisfied/or, as if something was not right, or perhaps the feeling is of a missing something.
Or maybe the opposite happened to you, that you had an incredible time during the sexual encounter, even though orgasm and ejaculation didn’t happen at that time.
This happens because the result (or ejaculation) is not always the best sample of the quality of sex. We will delve into this idea; it is common for all efforts to be put into the goal, because for many years it is what we have been taught – what matters is the result. This idea of putting all our attention on the result results in people feeling impatient, indifferent, and even frustrated with the whole process; minimizing the well-being that can be found in all those “small” steps that must be taken, to finally achieve the goal.
It is not taken into account that the greatest amount of the time we live, we spend it in processes, that is, in those small steps that must be taken to achieve a goal. And when, rather, the scope of a goal lasts just a few seconds, minutes, and hours in the best cases, how is it possible that it is there, in that small time of lapse where we place our happiness? So, processes are indifferent, rushed, and frustrated because they take a long time, and the goals are not achieved quickly.
Which puts us in a place where it’s hard to accept that it’s the little things that matter to achieve a sense of well-being every day, and success is not necessarily equivalent to the scope of a big goal.
This does not mean that goals are not important, of course they are and help us to have structure and life purposes, but it is rather like not attributing all happiness to achievement, but beginning to see pleasure in small things. And this logic seems to make a lot of sense in sexuality as well.
If we talk about sex, we could understand orgasm and ejaculation as the goal of a sexual encounter, right? This seems to indicate that the end has been reached, that it has been completed, and that the objectives have been achieved.
We want to clarify that, although most of the heterosexual women we attend in workshops and consultation report that their sexual encounters end with male ejaculation; in this article we want to get ahead of the future in a world where regardless of your sex or gender, there are happy endings for everyone and we will assume that sex ends when all the people involved have an orgasm or ejaculation.
That said, it is important to note that while orgasms are a gender goal, attention must be paid to the process of how it is achieved. Because this can make the difference between “I had an orgasm” or “I had an amazing time.”. And don’t think it’s about being in love or love in general, but rather about paying attention to those little things that happen during a sexual encounter and that enhance pleasure or not.
Ideas you can put into practice for a great sexual experience
If orgasm and ejaculation are the goal, then what is the process? Here are some ideas you can start paying attention to in your upcoming sexual encounters to find out if the process goes well:
Communication
Creating a safe space to express yourself is essential. Although sex is often experienced in silence, there are mountains of scientific studies that corroborate the main role of communication in sexuality and report that it is a key factor in achieving greater satisfaction.
This is because, if there is no communication, it is very likely that your needs and desires will not be fully resolved. After all, if you do not express what you want, what is needed to be excited, which gives pleasure… then it is very difficult to find satisfaction.
Although sometimes, fortunately, someone can meet your needs without having to tell them, it is important to note that if any is left in the air, there is no way the other person will guess it as a magical act if you don’t communicate it. It is known that this situation, in which you feel that the other does not know how to do or give you what you like, generates discomfort in encounters because it is associated with bad sex. However, before rushing to say that it is a bad sex as an untreated diagnosis, since it will be treated, we propose to see it, not necessarily as bad sex, but could also be poor communication when it comes to sex.
Put on the table verbal and assertive communication so that you can give the opportunity to the person(s) with which you share your body to find ways to help you meet your needs, desires, fantasies.
But above all, allow YOURSELF to feel full and satisfied in your sexual encounters. This can make the difference between an orgasm and a sex full of pleasure.
The negotiation
When you are in bed, not everything that happens flows like silk and is normal, and you expect some impassivity. For example, someone wants you to do something, but you’re not convinced altogether, so it’s time to negotiate. To do this, we have to look for a win-win to solve the odd, because otherwise it would be to put aside the needs of one of those involved, and this could mean not respecting the person.
Therefore, you should know how far you can make you more flexible, but also how far you can’t give in anymore, because it would generate a discomfort that can frustrate the encounter; regardless of whether you reach an orgasm or an ejaculation, remember that both parties have to feel agreement and comfortable with everything that happens. In this way, if you are comfortable with everything that happens, then the whole meeting will be much more pleasant.
Your mind
Taking the time to get excited, to expose yourself to content that turns you on, and give free rein to your mind to get into the sex mood, can make a difference in your sexual encounters. Imagine the next picture, you’re with someone you like, but your mind is thinking about things that have nothing to do with sex, everyday worries, fears, overtried limits, unmet needs that haven’t been solved.
So, with all this in mind, your body may react to physical stimulation and get to orgasm, but there’s a feeling that it wasn’t good enough. That’s why we remind you to sexually stimulate your brain, because it’s the main organ to be attended to when it comes to excitement. Put your brain in erotic mode, and the encounter will be more satisfying.
Time
When we want to achieve pleasure, it is important to respect our rhythms of excitement, and it seems that you are always hastening to get the orgasm and ejaculation in about 2 minutes, as if someone were chasing us. When this becomes such an automatic routine that we don’t even realize it, then sexual encounters seem to be monotonous, fast, and unsatisfying.
Although it seems very obvious, time becomes the key when you live the process and that is that, if you give yourself the space to experience sexual encounter, to play, have fun, to align rhythms, speeds and lengthen the excitement until you can’t hold on, the feeling in the end is likely to be much more pleasant than if you go in a hurry.
Although this is not always possible, the invitation is to take it into account and try to create a space for your sexuality in which you can experience it as if time were infinite.
In conclusion, to have good sex, it is important to reach orgasm and ejaculation, but you also have to pay attention to the steps you take to get them.
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