Affective relationships are often an important aspect of our lives, whether they are family, friendship, or romantic. Sometimes we even consider the latter to be the most fundamental for our well-being. These relationships are characterized by a union based on love, but what is this feeling?
Much has been written about the fundamental components of love. In general, three are usually distinguished: passion, trust, and commitment. All of them are important for maintaining a good relationship. Therefore, their creation and maintenance should be a priority for all those who wish to be in a relationship.
In this article, we are going to reflect on commitment in relationships. Of the three components of love, this is the most controversial. In general, commitment is seen as a good thing; but to what extent is that true?
However, before we begin to analyze whether commitment in relationships is beneficial or not, it is necessary to learn to distinguish it from the other two components of love. Let’s dig deeper.
What is commitment?
Commitment is the willingness of people in a relationship to stay together. All relationships require a certain level of commitment, but there are many differences. It will not be the same in the case of a family member, a friend, or a partner. Generally, in a romantic relationship, we will require more commitment than in a friendship.
In simple terms, commitment is a kind of social contract that both parties agree to. Saying we are “friends,” “boyfriend and girlfriend,” or “husband and wife” is what would sign that contract. The problem is that, in general, the clauses of that contract are not explicitly stated by both parties. The characteristics of that contract are usually given by what society understands that both parties must comply with.
The main goal of commitment in relationships is to maintain a certain level of security and control within them. Because this social contract exists, we can maintain a set of expectations about how the other party in the relationship should behave. This will help us anticipate situations that may occur and act accordingly.
At the level of evolutionary adaptation, maintaining control and security in relationships would help many aspects of human life. For example, in the case of couples, having a relationship based on commitment would help in raising children; because children are born helpless and need constant care from their parents. In fact, at earlier times in human history, if there were not two adults caring for the baby, its chances of survival were greatly reduced .
Commitment in current relationships
Now, what does this facet translate into today? In general, we understand that committing implies several things:
- Don’t be unfaithful. In many cases, infidelity is seen as a compelling reason to end a relationship.
- Intention to maintain the relationship in the future. If one of the people is thinking of breaking up with the other soon, the couple is considered not to be in a committed relationship.
Is it a good or bad thing?
If we look closely at the relationships around us, many of them are characterized by a certain toxicity. One of the possible explanations is that commitment in relationships can be the core of most problems. In theory, this could be due to three factors inherent to it:
- The implicit social contract.
- The expectations that come with it.
- Control over others.
Let’s look at each of them.
Social contract
When we talk about an implicit social contract, we are referring to the non-explicit conditions that are understood to be fulfilled in a relationship. In many cases, people who are in a relationship do not clearly state what they expect from each other. On the contrary, they begin the relationship with a series of ideas in mind about how each one “should” behave.
In this way, each individual interprets differently what commitment in relationships entails. So, while one of the parties has one idea of what a couple is like, the other may think something completely different. It is easy for a multitude of conflicts to arise due to an initial misunderstanding.
Social expectations
Another key aspect closely related to the previous one is the emergence of social expectations. When we commit to another person, we have a series of ideas about how they should behave to please us. The problem arises when someone does not meet our expectations and as a result, we feel disappointed.
In general, both parties in the relationship will try to meet each other’s expectations. This, however, may be at the expense of their own needs. This way of acting often leads to a feeling of being alienated from the other and ultimately, not feeling free.
Need for control
Finally, commitment in relationships can produce a certain need for control over others. This would arise when trying to obtain security in our partner. The problem is that control can lead to emotional dependence, and therefore, cause the other person to feel overwhelmed and alienated.
Let us not forget that autonomy is a vital human need: we cannot expect others to act according to our criteria. A relationship based on the subordination of one to the other completely breaks with this feeling of freedom. In general, this will only generate discontent and unhappiness for both members of the couple.
Conclusion
Commitment is nothing more than an agreement between the parties in a relationship. Although it is an important aspect of a relationship, it should not become a central aspect of it. Taken to the extreme, it can cause more harm than good.
However, most commitment problems are solved if we can explain what we expect from the other person. On the other hand, we also need to learn to give our partner freedom. These two skills are essential to having a relationship that makes us happy.