According to psychologist Robert Epstein, between 10% and 15% of marriages are sexless. The causes can be diverse. Boredom, routine, stress, and lack of time… are just some of the triggers of a sexless marriage.
Faced with this reality, couples have two options. One is to live without sex. The other is to try to solve the problem. If both partners are willing to solve this, then the sexless marriage will have its days numbered.
However, we cannot ignore the fact that this is common in couples who have been together for a long time. In many cases, it has nothing to do with the fact that there are no problems, arguments, or any other reason that could alter desire.
Many couples will live well like this, but perhaps in their minds, there is the belief that without sex the relationship will go down the drain. That is when pressure will come, something that will be counterproductive.
A sexless marriage is one that has less than 10 sexual encounters per year.
Is living without sex an option?
A sexless marriage may seem strange, but it can be a happy one. At least as long as you agree and talk to your partner. Communication will be essential from the beginning to see if living without sex is an option. If both members agree, there is no problem.
Let’s think that the importance given to sex varies with age. When we are just starting and it is a novelty, it becomes a valuable part of any relationship. But, with time, we may begin to value other things more, such as companionship, commitment, or intimacy in the couple.
If a couple is trying to get their sex life back on track, motivation mustn’t turn into pressure. Talking, exchanging opinions, and taking small steps will be the keys to success.
Things cannot be changed from one day to the next, and it could also be worse. A kiss one day, a caress another, and so on, desire could invade the couple again.
A sexless marriage is not always a nightmare; other things can take priority and allow both members of the relationship to remain equally happy.
Although it is not a consolation, we are not alone. Surely if we share our concerns with friends in similar situations we will feel understood. It is natural to reach this point, so we do not have to take it as something negative that indicates that the relationship is damaged. With what has already been mentioned and some more advice we will learn to deal with a sexless marriage without failing in the attempt.
Coping with a sexless marriage
To deal with a sexless marriage, it is necessary to talk, but also to listen. Sometimes we can interpret that our partner is no longer interested in sex when we are wrong.
Communication will therefore allow us to discover the reasons why sex has been relegated to second place. Perhaps there are not enough opportunities to have it or perhaps stress, illness, or worries have invaded our lives.
After this, we must be honest with each other. Open our eyes to the effort we may be making. For example, if we neglect our appearance and “abandon” ourselves, we will not be transmitting attraction or desire because we are not feeling it. Likewise, if we throw ourselves into bed and wait for the other to make the first move, we are going wrong…
Therapy can help
If we do not achieve the desired result on our own, it is time to go to couples therapy. A positive attitude to do so is based on leaving aside the myths about going to therapy. We will be in front of a professional who will give us a hand to discover where we have failed, will open our eyes, and give us guidelines so that we do not feel so lost.
Some therapists will suggest a complete sex ban, i.e. zero sexual contact, to reduce the tension surrounding this. Once this is gone, then progress can begin to be made.
It is also possible that he or she recommends that we go out together, have fun, and share moments of leisure and relaxation. Doing so will strengthen the bond with our partner, which will lead to an increase in intimacy and consequent desire to have sexual relations.
“There is no one-size-fits-all solution for couples, as there are many reasons why couples reduce their sexual frequency.”
-The Huffington Post-
A sexless marriage can indicate various problems that we may be carrying together or individually. That is why talking is essential and, above all, eliminating the harmful beliefs that without sex everything is lost, that the other person no longer loves us, or that we have failed as a couple. Relationships always put us to the test, and this is one of those tests.
Final reflection: change of context
Sex is becoming less common in many couples over time. An important aspect to consider is to what extent this fact affects married life. Some couples are indifferent to the absence of sex, however, there are others in which one of the two expresses their discomfort.
An important factor in the lack of sex is the process of habituation and conditioning to a specific context. What does all this mean? When we start a relationship, our partner arouses us, but when we are in the presence of the same stimulus (our partner) for a long time, the arousal decreases. We get used to their presence and they no longer arouse us as sexually. However, there is another important phenomenon that is linked to the habituation process. It is conditioning to a specific context.
If we had shared a room for many years, in that room, apart from sleeping and having sex, we would also have talked, we would have gotten dressed, and we would have had good and bad times. What does this mean? We will have associated the room with a multitude of other tasks. What is the key? Spending a romantic weekend away from home. Changing the context. Many couples say that when they go on a short getaway, the sexual passion returns. If you cannot go on a short getaway, you can think about moving the furniture in the bedroom around or making some changes.