We are supposed to be in times when freedom and the destruction of taboos in the field of sexuality prevail. And we say “supposedly” because, in reality, this does not work that way. At least not for a significant group of people who ultimately fail to enjoy intimacy. Some because of so-called sexual anxiety.
Thus, when we talk about sexual anxiety we refer to a set of unpleasant emotions and feelings that have a common background: sexual relations. They include fear, tension, rejection, and, finally, dysfunction. The reasons for this can be many, but the effects are always very difficult to cope with.
“ Eroticism is one of the bases of self-knowledge, as indispensable as poetry .”
-Anaïs Nin-
Sex enriches life. It offers very important emotional and physical benefits. They range from strengthening the circulatory and immune systems to combating stress and every day tensions. It has been said to be a natural painkiller and also that it has wonderful potential to boost our self-esteem.
However, when there is sexual anxiety, people hardly find these benefits in sex. Thus, once the negative dynamic is established, any situation of physical intimacy causes restlessness and nervousness. There is no enjoyment, but fear. There is no contribution, but a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction.
What is the origin of sexual anxiety?
Sexual anxiety can stem from different sources. Sometimes, it can be born from a traumatic experience of abuse. Sexual abuse is more common than we think, partly because many cases are silenced. On the other hand, we are talking about a taboo subject that has historically tended to be covered up because no one in the settings in which it occurred was willing to report the case.
On the other hand, when the experience occurs at a very early age, it is common for the person to have very few emotional resources to manage emotions. Thus, the experience may end up leaving a deeper mark and undesirable effects that will be more difficult to eliminate or mitigate in the future.
Sometimes the situation is not so extreme. Sometimes sexual anxiety arises from other sources. In almost all cases the common element is repression. These are the cases:
- A restrictive education that condemns sex . There are many ideological and religious approaches that condemn sexual practices. They refer to them with epithets that place sex within the range of the despicable, the dirty or the immoral. Those who have been educated within these parameters have to work hard to discover the beautiful and pleasurable facets of sexuality.
- Lack of information . Sometimes sexual inhibition and anxiety come from the lack of information we have about sex. In this case, it is an unknown world that we enter with a feeling of prevention.
- Fear of failure . Lack of experience and therefore knowledge leads to fear of not performing adequately. The truth is that each of us makes a particular definition of “adequate performance” and the bar for it can be far above common standards. This leads to sexual anxiety.
There are other factors that can play a role, such as depression, low self-esteem or difficulty accepting one’s own body. Anxiety also often increases when there are conflicts to be resolved or trust has been broken.
What to do when faced with sexual anxiety?
In many cases, sexual anxiety leads to sexual dysfunction : decreased desire, difficulty feeling aroused, problems with premature ejaculation or pain during intercourse. All of this, unless appropriate intervention is carried out, impoverishes sexual life and ends up deteriorating the relationship between the couple.
The main measures to take when there is sexual anxiety are the following:
- Strengthen the emotional bond with your partner . Nothing is more liberating than increasing trust in a couple. Create the conditions so that you can talk about the subject with total sincerity, with the aim of finding joint solutions.
- Be better informed . It is very important to know your own body well. In this case, the anatomy of your sexual organs and how they function. It is also important to understand what happens during sexual intercourse, in physical and psychological terms. Reading or learning more about the subject helps to reduce fears.
- Enriching eroticism . Sexuality is much more than intercourse. That is why it is necessary to give the importance that corresponds to everything that promotes eroticism and not physical closeness. This includes caresses, kisses, massages and all displays of affection that arise in the couple.
- Find out what relaxes you . Each person is different and there are no rules when it comes to sexuality other than those mutually agreed upon by the couple. In this sense, it is useful to discover the circumstances in which sexuality is most calming. For example, the level of light that both feel comfortable with, the time, the place, etc.
Finally, it should be noted that there are levels of sexual anxiety. Some require professional help, while others can be redirected by a change in circumstances . In one way or another, if we find ourselves in a situation for which we do not know how to solve it, the best thing to do is to go to a specialist’s office. First of all, to a doctor, so that he can rule out any organic problem or that the difficulties we are experiencing are the side effect of some medication.
If you have overcome these two hypotheses, it is best to consult a psychologist . If anxiety is at the root of the dysfunction, the professional will design an intervention plan adapted to our needs that will undoubtedly help us leave the difficulty behind.