You may know the phrase “I sell advice that I don’t have for myself .” The Spanish proverb tells us about that old custom of wanting to advise others on any subject, even if the other person neither needs it nor has asked for it.
Thus, it is common to interfere in other people’s lives, implying that we would know, without a doubt, what should be done in place of the person to whom we are giving the advice.
Our intentions may be the best in the world, that is not up for discussion, but before unleashing a torrent of advice perhaps we should think about whether the other person is interested in what we have to say, or if we have all the information that allows us to put ourselves exactly in their place.
Can I give you some advice?
If you don’t want to end a long-standing friendship, cause a problem with a family member, or be misunderstood by your coworker, you need to rationalize the amount of advice you give. Choose the right moment. Look for calm, it is a good ally if you want your message to be received with a receptive attitude. If when the other person is crying or shouting out of anger you interrupt them to give them your point of view, they may not listen to you. By leaving room for calm, you will encourage your message to be received differently.
Listening is one of the qualities you must cultivate if you want to build a reputation as a good advisor. That is the only way to have the best information. Ask what is happening to him, how he feels, what he thinks, and what he has decided to do, and with all this information you will be able to develop various solutions that will work and add value.
Have you put yourself in their shoes before giving them advice? Remember that there is a fine line between positive (constructive) advice and negative (destructive) advice. To know if you are crossing the line, put yourself in that person’s shoes and imagine how you would feel if you were listening to the message you want to share.
“It is necessary to have as much discretion in giving advice as docility in receiving it.”
-François de La Rochefoucauld-
It would be good if you did not indicate actions that you would not do in the same situation. Evaluate the distance between what is said and what is done and consider whether it is surmountable in the situation and with the capabilities of the person to whom you want to give the advice.
Advice or silence?
Silence is sometimes a great way to validate the feelings of the person we want to help, to say: I can’t be informative with you, but I’m still here, connected to you and to support you.
Silence is worth its weight in gold, and before you say cliché phrases like “that’s life,” “you have to move on,” or “at least you’re healthy,” keep your lips sealed. A good way to show your support and commitment to help is to wait for the other person to ask you a question like, “What would you do?”
How to give good advice
You should not forget that giving advice is establishing a close relationship. It is not just giving an opinion, but indicating that you are going to help in whatever is necessary.
When something bad happens, thousands of people give their opinions, but there are very few who support you unconditionally and continue to be by your side on this difficult path. Logically, the first is easy and the second is more complicated.
To work together and find a solution, you can use a technique called “ Maieutics ” used by Socrates. Thanks to this process, the other person is “enlightened” with a question as a starting point. Through this question, you can begin and move forward until you have answered it completely.
Finally, remember not to judge the person who has received your advice. If they have not followed it, it is not because they are a bad person or have not taken it into account, but simply because they have judged that it was not the best.
Before thinking that he or she is an inconsiderate person, think that he or she is an independent and capable person, like you, of listening and then making his or her own decisions.