It is very common to hear some parents shout at their children: I said don’t shout at me! What they don’t usually realize is that they are responsible for their children’s education and that, with their behavior, they are being a terrible example for them. They say that there is nothing like having to teach, to become aware of one’s own mistakes. In this sense, shouting is one of those behaviors that suddenly takes away reason. Why?
We usually raise our voices in specific situations where we lose our temper. One of these circumstances is wanting to stand out and attract the attention of others. On the other hand, other times we try to cover up the person we are arguing with, to not let them explain themselves and to be on top.
How do others react?
Speaking louder than others does not guarantee that we will be paid more attention or that we will be better understood. Quite the opposite. There are many ways to react to someone who is shouting at us, and perhaps the least common, but most effective, way is to “turn a deaf ear”. Some people automatically tune out when they see someone shouting and wait for them to calm down before they can start a conversation with them.
Others cower, cower, and give in. They are intimidated by the shouts and are not capable of saying a word to demand respect. A few others rise to the same level and also opt for shouting. But if it is already difficult to start a conversation with a person who is out of his mind, imagine if the shouts come from two or more sources… It is truly madness!
In any of these cases, the consequence is the same: we neither listen nor are we listened to. When we shout, communication breaks down and a lack of understanding prevails.
The need to respect
When we shout, we stop valuing our neighbors and tolerating differences. Respect is the fundamental basis of a large number of moral values because it is essential for an adequate and rewarding social interaction. Therefore, the best way to know if you are disrespecting another person is to put yourself in their place. Think about how you would like to be treated and how you would like to be told things. And put it into practice!
Another key: assertiveness
No one is born assertive. Like many other skills, it can be acquired and trained throughout life. Assertiveness is closely related to respect. It is about expressing your opinion in a gentle, polite, elegant, and courageous way. Without raising your voice at any time or imbuing your words with aggression. Although it may sound paradoxical: with a more controlled tone of voice your message will cross more barriers.
Normally, children are taught other types of social or intellectual skills, leaving aside those that will allow them to increase their self-knowledge. That is why it is necessary to make them understand that, if they manage to understand themselves, they will have a lot to gain when it comes to expressing themselves and communicating with others.
Educate in measure
Shouting can indeed capture a child’s attention in contrast to other stimuli, such as play. It is even good to let him know that you are angry because sometimes, shouting in time can prevent a bigger accident or correct a wrong behavior. But if raising your voice becomes the norm, shouting eventually loses its effect and invades communication.
The child gets used to being communicated with in this way and it no longer seems extraordinary to him. In addition, if the parent perceives that his child no longer responds to these gestures, he may become desperate and the situation will worsen. The more we use shouting, the more accustomed our children will be to hear it and the less effect it will have, beyond contaminating communication. Therefore, it will be more difficult for us to get them to obey us. So, what is the next step?
Educating can bring to light adult behaviors that we do not want children to learn. We see that the above situation ends up generating tension and discomfort that is often unbearable. Hence the importance of learning to control that first impulse to make the screaming disappear completely.
Stopping screaming is possible.
Changing something that you have been doing vehemently all your life is difficult. It requires having a high degree of control over your emotions and a great ability to not follow what your impulses dictate. Therefore, the first thing you should do if you want to stop having aggressive behavior is to identify those situations or circumstances that make you lose control, and do what you do not want.
Once you have located them, it is advisable to acquire tools that make you stronger against the temptation of the impulse. Count to 3 or take a long drink of water, so that you create a space to take control of all that energy. You have to find a way to feel relief without shouting. That is, express what you feel, but politely and prudently.
If you don’t succeed at first, don’t despair. What’s important are those attempts that allow you to find a new resource to deal with that problem or conflict. Little by little you’ll be able to see results and you’ll be able to stop shouting before you lose your temper.
As you can see, shouting does not help at all to manage emotions. If it is already difficult to control the way we express what we feel, imagine if our behavior is also too impetuous, disrespectful, and angry. Learning to reverse this situation requires time and effort, but it can be done!