When we hear the words tantrum, most of us imagine a 2- or 3-year-old child lying on the floor and screaming. However, adults also have tantrums. Sometimes, they get “lost” in emotions, being unable to translate into words their frustration, envy, disappointment…
For behaviorism, the school of psychology that studies human behavior based on stimuli and responses, tantrums are maladaptive behaviors. They lead nowhere. However, the fact that they lead nowhere (or nowhere useful) does not mean, by any means, that these dynamics do not have a meaning behind them. On the contrary, these emotional tantrums express a message that is very rich in content.
“Follow your heart but take your brain with you.”
-Alfred Adler-
Between the ages of two and four, tantrums are a normal part of a child’s emotional development. They are little more than the obligatory challenge that every mother and father must learn to manage calmly and effectively. However, we sometimes forget that simply growing up and becoming adults does not automatically give us the ability and maturity to recognize and control our emotions.
So much so that we could say, almost without being wrong, that there are many adults around us with the emotional intelligence of 3-year-old children. If they did not develop a good sense of self in their childhood, if they did not have adequate help to channel and understand their emotional universes, it is normal for them to go through the years dragging the same burden.
Adults also have helpless tantrums.
A tantrum, a fit of rage, or an emotional outburst is an exaggerated reaction to a frustrating situation. Children, for example, tend to express anger through shouting, crying, kicking, and a clear lack of emotional control. There are different intensities, but what we always perceive are disproportionate behaviors and a deficit in communication and the management of emotions and impulses.
In adults (on average), these tantrums do not lead to physical aggression; there are no kicks, blows, or bites. What’s more, in many cases they can even go unnoticed by those closest to them.
Let’s take an example. Claudia works in a law firm and is used to success. Every time she achieves a goal she is rewarded with a bonus. However, when it is her colleagues who achieve that recognition, Claudia can’t stand it. She doesn’t throw herself on the floor, she doesn’t shout, in fact… she doesn’t say anything.
Our protagonist limits herself to going to the bathroom to cry. Because she cannot stand the fact that at a given moment her classmates outdo her. Because jealousy eats away at her and she does not know how to handle this discomfort. Adults have “tantrums”, but let us not be mistaken in one aspect. These emotional explosions, if they are genuine, do not seek to manipulate anyone, just as those of children do not do so either .
Tantrums are moments when feelings reach an intolerable intensity and need to emerge in some way. It is like being trapped in one’s own emotions and not knowing what to do with them when one does not get what one wants.
Adults with frequent tantrums, what’s behind them?
Not everyone vents their tantrums in private, as Claudia does. It is also common to find those profiles that do not hesitate to create a whole scene. There are screams, objects that are thrown on the floor, and, worst of all, aggressiveness where insults and disrespect can appear. Now then, but… What is behind these behaviors?
We said it at the beginning. In most cases, tantrums are a demonstration of clear emotional immaturity, a lack of a sense of self that allows better management of frustrations and disappointments. However, we cannot ignore other realities that every good professional should consider with an adequate diagnosis.
- Adults also have tantrums, but those who exhibit them regularly may have a personality disorder, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc.
- Post-traumatic stress may also be behind this behavior.
- People with autism spectrum disorder also display these behaviors.
I am an adult who has tantrums, what can I do?
Let’s think for a moment about our lawyer. Let’s put ourselves in her place and in her difficulty in asking for help. How can she say out loud that her emotions completely overwhelm her when her colleagues receive recognition and she doesn’t? How can she admit it if, in addition, her anger makes her feel ashamed? She feels that she shouldn’t feel that way, but she doesn’t know how to deal with it.
When we are adults, it is very difficult to talk about envy, about the frustration that certain situations create in us … However, nothing can be more positive than taking the step and asking for professional help. We will feel freer, more capable, and more confident in our daily lives.
Let us now reflect on a series of strategies that can help us in these cases. Simple keys to improve our ability to control ourselves, not feeding these types of emotions with our behavior.
Steps to better manage your emotional tantrums
- Review your expectations. Adults also have tantrums because they sometimes have an unrealistic view of certain situations. They expect certain recognitions, reinforcements, benefits, or achievements that are not reasonable.
- Don’t suppress negative emotions or let them explode: channel them constructively. Every time you experience frustration, let it manifest itself in another way. Without shouting, without tears, without anger. Find a medium to express it: talk to someone, do sports, paint, write…
- Identify those key situations that trigger your tantrums (envy, not getting what you want at work, in your relationships, etc.).
- Once you have identified these situations, work on them. Create an internal dialogue, an action plan with which to act in an appropriate, mature, and emotionally intelligent way when they appear again.
To conclude, we know that adults also have tantrums. We may even have had them ourselves at some point. So, if there is one thing we will undoubtedly remember about them, it is that they are not exactly pleasant. They generate discomfort, create very uncomfortable environments and we gain nothing. Therefore, it is time to work on our emotions, to give them new outlets and resources that make us feel more competent.